Sometimes pain feels bigger than my faith.
Sometimes I want to quit praying for healing, for answers, for the end of strange symptoms and unknown diagnoses.
Sometimes I want to give up giving it to God.
For most of my life, I’ve experienced one medical problem after another. As a child, it was stomachaches and headaches. I missed sleepovers because I didn’t feel well, stayed home from school more days than I can count, and wondered why no one else had to go the doctor as often as I did.
In college, I cried on the city bus one day headed home from class. I didn’t understand why everything hurt, why my energy was always so low, why God didn’t seem to want to heal me. I had joint pain, stomach pain, headaches, and intense fatigue.
Every time I went to the doctor, I left in tears. It was specialist after specialist. Many of them simply said, “Is it anxiety? It could be in your head.”
And those words – the idea that my pain could be caused by anxiety or that I might be bringing it on myself – was enough to make me scream.
I don’t tell you these things to make you feel sorry for me. I tell you these things because all of that pain felt bigger than my faith.
All of those symptoms and pains caused me to wonder why in the world the God of the universe wasn’t answering. Why did every blood test come back negative? Why did every trip to the specialist cost money and offered us nothing in return?
It was downright frustrating. And it was downright painful to be constantly hurting.
Fast forward to now and I’m still not healed. I’ve been diagnosed with Celiac disease, an autoimmune disorder with no cure besides a gluten-free diet. I’ve still struggled with pain.
In the quiet mornings when my body aches and my stomach burns, pain threatens to strangle my faith.
Maybe you understand this. Maybe you deal with the unknown, frustration, pain, or hardship. Maybe pain – or fear, or anger, or doubt, or whatever else – threatens to strangle your faith too.
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